WHEN HELPING HAS A SUBCONSCIOUS HIDDEN AGENDA

When care becomes control, even good intentions can land as pressure. This image holds the pause—the space between offering and enforcing, between knowing and letting someone find their own way.

There’s a version of care that doesn’t feel like care on the receiving end.

It might come through as pressure… or over-explaining… or offering insight that wasn’t asked for.

It might even be dead-on accurate.

But accuracy doesn’t always land when it’s delivered from urgency.

I remember about 2 years into working with on of my coaching clients - someone who was making real progress - mentioned a desire to explore affirmations.

I didn’t explode. But I did react.

I told her it wasn’t the next right step. That affirmations are lies to try to gaslight yourself...and a way the ego gets us to slow down or redirect when we're making forward progress. One thin that is well known in my practice is that our subconscious programming can't be persuaded to give up control. Affirmations sell this lie, and I was dead set on keeping her on the path she had been walking - witout detours.

And within hours of the exhange, I realized that my fear of her stepping off of the path and taking a detour is why I didn't allow space for her curiosity. It was why I couldn't have a calm and rational discussion, but instead basically barked orders at her.

And do you know where that came from? My own fears rooted in the probably nine million times I follwed something shiny off of the path thinking it was the path. It was because I didn’t want her to lose ground like I had so many times before. Because I thought I was protecting the work. Because part of me still believed that if I could name the pattern fast enough, I could stop it from happening.

That was more than a year ago. And I’m not in that place anymore. But I remember it… because it showed me something.

It showed me what it feels like to hold too tightly.

To try to preserve someone’s growth by steering it.

To mean well and still miss the moment.

Now, I check myself more often. Am I offering something… or enforcing something?

Am I listening… or assuming I already know?

Am I attuned… or just trying to outrun my own discomfort with what might happen next?

That moment didn’t ruin anything. But it rewired something in me.

Because I saw how easy it is to confuse protection with presence… especially when you care deeply.

And that’s what this part of the work has taught me - caring doesn’t always mean guiding. Sometimes it means waiting, watching, and trusting that insight will land when the person is ready to carry it.

If you’ve ever been on either side of this - pushing too hard or feeling pushed - you’re not alone. This is the kind of reflection we hold in coaching: not to judge the moment, but to see it more clearly. If you're ready to work together, follow the link below:

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